I saw you today, in the audience, we were both crying and I was hearing your thoughts. I heard them because they were my thoughts, not once but 4 times. I saw the black pit in your souls that reflected how you felt because you couldn’t find the words to express it. I have been in that pit, smiling, pretending it was all okay and that I loved it but wanting to sleep my life away until it didn’t hurt anymore. I wanted my kids to leave me alone until I could feel like I could look at them without wanting to cry. I know how much it sucks to feel like everyone looks at you like a failure because you told them that you had PPD. Like it wasn’t okay to be sad or angry or tired or hungry or sleepy or any other human emotion because now that you were a mom-“You had to suck it up and do it”. I also know that I am a perfectionist and that to feel like I was failing at the one thing that women are built to do (be mothers) was like I was somehow worthless because I couldn’t find that elusive joy that ALL the other moms felt when they looked at their babies. After the 2rd bout, I knew I couldn’t live this way. It took so long for me to understand my own body and how it was betraying me in ways that I despised. BUT, I KNOW NOW that it wasn’t my fault, that I did get better despite my hormones and brain chemistry going haywire, and that I had to make a decision every morning that I could live with for the rest of my life. I prayed and read scriptures, sought medical advice, took pills, had counsels and accepted responsibilities. I read advice, sought support groups, exposed my soul to strangers and lost friends. I have long thought my life would have been better without PPD but I now know why God let me struggle with it and fumble my way through recovery. For you. For your wife, daughter, mother, sister and friend. I may not know everything, but I know God loves mother hearts and I KNOW God wants to heal you. I hope you will let me be a part of your journey.
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PPD;sleep hygiene, hormone fluctuation, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, new dads, postpartum momma, depression, baby blues, inadequacy